I am Just Nothing

I think this holiday is the most Busiest Holiday ever for me.*chuckles


I went to Kuala Lumpur twice and I met a lots of new friends. 

The second time I went to the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta in Putrajaya.

The First time I went to Maison the Club and have fun with a lots of friends.

This was the greatest time ever in a Club for me. haha..


Honestly, I got thousand words to blast out now but I don't know which one comes first.


I am not really happy with the KL trip, this is the first one. 


I can only use a word to describe the moment. Insidious? or Shallow?


What ever. Just something bad about people.


Since I don't really share my Happiness here, so what I shared here probably is bad news and bad things. (which I think It is .)


Actually, Life can not be Easy. In my life, it is full of disputes, rumors, gossip, quarrel and so on so fort. 


I admit that, I do care what people looks on me. I knew that I am not good enough (maybe I am not even GOOD? who Knows..* sigh)


Sometimes...*sigh.... Its okay, I don't want to explain again, for my last explanation, people thought it was just I am defending myself and I can not accept comment. So, no more explanation.


Hey people, I am not who ever. Even I am, I am not going to be just perfect. I am not mentioning someone or something. But after the KL trip, I just found out that, I always give bad Impression to people, no matter who no matter when and no matter what.


Well, I am just bad guy. I am not good looking, I am so conceited that I think I am so cool, bad temper, i am emotional, I am so stupid that I make my friends hates me... bla bla bla* (and hundreds more, i mean , my bad~)


I am not angry and I am not blaming anyone.(because if i want to do so, almost everyone is blamed by me XD)


So, do I need to act? Act like someone perfect so that people likes me? 


I just don't get it. People LOVES those who acts a lots. Again, I am not mentioning anyone but if u think that I am talking about you, that is your problem, Mr/Ms Actor/Actress. 


(Am I over again? OMG, not again, I am talking about someone BAD again, I just can not stop myself, that is why people hates me)


I do agree that, try to change my bad things into good one and make people accept you. In fact, I am doing my best to do so. (Stop thinking i am defending, I am not~XD)


I just remember that one of the friends say this


"Psycho people they wont express their feeling and their next move easily."


So, when I am angry I need to pretend like OMG I am so Happy that you scolded me with no reason at all?


or I need to pretend like I am just Kind and Nice that I wont angry about you even you are talking my bad just right behind me or just right in front of me?

I do believes that people have their limit that cause Eruption~ For me, I had changed a lot.


I am no longer the Fierce stupid Cat that throw bad temper to the surrounding person.


In fact, I am a person who scares of bad comment on me. It is like I study well and prepare well and I still Fail in my examinations.


That kind of feeling, can you feel the same thing I felt?


I pretend like I am nothing after i receive bad comments but in fact, I will think again and again what had i done wrongly that I will receive bad comments. In the next time, I will not do the same thing again.

Sounds pretty good huh? But in reality, normally there are NO second chance if you had did something wrong. People will just think that, this guy is Acting a lot, since last time he did so many bad things. Is that right? 


People think I talk too much, I shall just be quiet and lessen my talk
then people think I am so cool and so arrogant that I don't even talk or smile


Don' you think it is so damn weird that I am smiling but nothing?
Psycho~


Then people will say I am not friendly, I am so arrogant that I think they are cheap...and a bunch of weird comment and weird personality is added to me.


When I talk, people comment again, I am too noisy, I am so playful, I am not doing the right thing, I am not serious, I am childish, I am keep showing off my stuffs, I am acting that I am clever......................


Look, there are 7 billion Human beings in the world, I can not make everyone likes me. 


I know that I am bad temper in sometimes,
I know that I am too serious in sometimes,
I know that I am too noisy sometimes,
I know that I Hate to be a loser that I will defend myself until the end and two people relationship broke up,
I know that I Like to act that I know a lot of things,
I know that I am not clever enough,
I know that I am so childish that I am writing all this in my blogger,
I know that I am so useless in sometimes,

I know that I am not a good friend,

I know that I am big liar,

I know that I like to act a lot,

I know that I am girlish,

I know that I am a troublemaker rather than a solver,

I know that I am a negative thinker,

I know that I am irresponsible enough,

I know that I got a lots of bad habits more......

But, 

Am I really treat you guys that bad? 

Am I really childish that I doesn't work hard sometimes?

Am I really just look conceited and so call arrogant?

Am I really throwing bad temper to anyone without any proper reason?

Am I really that noisy?

Am I really that Cool?

Am I really emotional?

Am I really irresponsible when i really did something wrong?

Am I really that bad? 

People, until you read this paragraph 

in your mind there are only few thoughts.

"Sorry, I don't really know you much..we just know each other online and bla bla bla bla bla"

"Since you know that you are so BAD, why don't you change yourselves?"

"Are you trying to defend yourselves again?"

"Stop acting...you are not good enough for this"

"I'm sorry that my comment on you makes you felt so unhappy..I will not give u any bad comments anymore"

"I wish you are okie now"

"Don't think too much, everything will be just fine"

I am not trying to get anyone to come and console or comfort me. I don't need so. 

Just that, I am tired of being like this. I don't dare to show out what I'm really thinking.

I can't really tell out that I am NOT happy, I am Angry, I am Sad, I am happy...

What is the purpose of telling people your feeling that NO ONE is like going to care about you?

I am not talking in rage but this is so true. 

I know what kind of person I am. 

I am trying my best to make things happen right.

I am trying my best to change my bad attitudes.

I am trying my best to make myself polite and nice.

BUT,

Do I ever say that, I am not satisfy with your bad habits?

Any of the friends, did I really blame you if you guys had did something wrong?

Which of the times, I am not there to help you guys when you met problems?

But in other side, who helps me when I face problem? 

Do any of my friends think about this?

I am wondering, Do I really have FRIENDS? 

In the end, I am just a bad guy. 

I am just NOTHING for you....

Forgotten, Left Out?

It has been a long time for me to be appearing here to update my dusted blogger. *chuckles
great, another issue here for me to blog. Since there is no one I can talk to, so I am back to my blogger. ^ ^

I tried putting this to the side for the past few days or so, but I'm tired of feeling forgotten and ignored. 
Like, I'm tired of always making the initiative to hangout, make arrangements and decisions for everyone. 
I would like for ONCE for people to invite me out, I'm seriously getting sick of helping people, looking out for people, inviting people, contacting people but then I get no contact, no invite, no nothing sometimes. 
Okay, you see, I know everyone is going to say I'm needy but its not entirely the case. 
The problem I have is that almost all my friends say 
"You're an awesome friend"
"Thanks Mao, you're the best, I owe you one",
"You're a true friend"
"I wish more friends were like you"
"You're the bomb" and I tend to get a lot of praise from my friends and all. That feels great when I'm told I'm loved and appreciated and told that I'm a great person and I take it all in and keep myself grounded. 
My friends will talk to me about anything when they're in the dumps, I'll lift their spirits, take them out, let them ramble to me, hook them up, I'll be just an overall good person, what a friend is supposed to be.

Of course, I don't expect my friends to contact me every second of the second or even day of the day, I know everyone has their own life and busy with their "stuff". 
Its annoying however, sometimes HIGHLY annoying when I contact a friend of mine, and I'll never hear back from them unless I contact them AGAIN sometimes. 


What ticks me off even more is how I'll invite a lot of my friends out but they won't invite me to hangout when I ALWAYS invite them. 
Like, they'll tell me like its nothing "Oh yeah, just now someone ask for supper/order and I just followed them. Not my fault at all. " knowing whatever they're doing is something that I highly enjoy and then proceed to tell me "I should have joined". 


Its like, if you want me to join, why didn't you ask me? Am I really located that far that it is so damn hard to let u to inform me that you guys are going to order something or going to some other places?

I don't know what ass backwards world I live in sometimes, I really don't. Like this really pisses me off and then if I bring it up to them, I'll probably come off as needy.  


This just pulls my hair out, seriously. I never get on my friends cases, never bother them about wanting their company, or needing their attention but it'll be nice if my friends would consider me sometimes when hanging out.

I know for a fact I'm easy going and probably the most fun person. Sometimes they'll hangout with their group of friends with someone their annoyed with but won't invite me out.  


I hate inviting myself to hang sometimes, even if they don't mind but I just feel intrusive when I do that. I don't think anyone likes to invite themselves anywhere.


Now, listen, I'm not saying that I need to be invited to every event, hangout or whatever. What I hate is what I just stated and I don't get it. Sometimes no one will call me for the longest time unless I go no contact. "  


Its like I have to seriously go NO CONTACT in order for people to contact me and give-a-damn. Which I don't like to do.  I don't know, I'm just trying to find out what is it that I may be doing wrong, or how I can get people to think of me more often. It's just nuts to me sometimes.

Whatever, just to blast out everything here while others are taking their dinner happily and joyfully and I am now alone sitting in the air conditioning room with my mineral water. 


Cheers and have a great day.