I am Just Nothing

I think this holiday is the most Busiest Holiday ever for me.*chuckles


I went to Kuala Lumpur twice and I met a lots of new friends. 

The second time I went to the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta in Putrajaya.

The First time I went to Maison the Club and have fun with a lots of friends.

This was the greatest time ever in a Club for me. haha..


Honestly, I got thousand words to blast out now but I don't know which one comes first.


I am not really happy with the KL trip, this is the first one. 


I can only use a word to describe the moment. Insidious? or Shallow?


What ever. Just something bad about people.


Since I don't really share my Happiness here, so what I shared here probably is bad news and bad things. (which I think It is .)


Actually, Life can not be Easy. In my life, it is full of disputes, rumors, gossip, quarrel and so on so fort. 


I admit that, I do care what people looks on me. I knew that I am not good enough (maybe I am not even GOOD? who Knows..* sigh)


Sometimes...*sigh.... Its okay, I don't want to explain again, for my last explanation, people thought it was just I am defending myself and I can not accept comment. So, no more explanation.


Hey people, I am not who ever. Even I am, I am not going to be just perfect. I am not mentioning someone or something. But after the KL trip, I just found out that, I always give bad Impression to people, no matter who no matter when and no matter what.


Well, I am just bad guy. I am not good looking, I am so conceited that I think I am so cool, bad temper, i am emotional, I am so stupid that I make my friends hates me... bla bla bla* (and hundreds more, i mean , my bad~)


I am not angry and I am not blaming anyone.(because if i want to do so, almost everyone is blamed by me XD)


So, do I need to act? Act like someone perfect so that people likes me? 


I just don't get it. People LOVES those who acts a lots. Again, I am not mentioning anyone but if u think that I am talking about you, that is your problem, Mr/Ms Actor/Actress. 


(Am I over again? OMG, not again, I am talking about someone BAD again, I just can not stop myself, that is why people hates me)


I do agree that, try to change my bad things into good one and make people accept you. In fact, I am doing my best to do so. (Stop thinking i am defending, I am not~XD)


I just remember that one of the friends say this


"Psycho people they wont express their feeling and their next move easily."


So, when I am angry I need to pretend like OMG I am so Happy that you scolded me with no reason at all?


or I need to pretend like I am just Kind and Nice that I wont angry about you even you are talking my bad just right behind me or just right in front of me?

I do believes that people have their limit that cause Eruption~ For me, I had changed a lot.


I am no longer the Fierce stupid Cat that throw bad temper to the surrounding person.


In fact, I am a person who scares of bad comment on me. It is like I study well and prepare well and I still Fail in my examinations.


That kind of feeling, can you feel the same thing I felt?


I pretend like I am nothing after i receive bad comments but in fact, I will think again and again what had i done wrongly that I will receive bad comments. In the next time, I will not do the same thing again.

Sounds pretty good huh? But in reality, normally there are NO second chance if you had did something wrong. People will just think that, this guy is Acting a lot, since last time he did so many bad things. Is that right? 


People think I talk too much, I shall just be quiet and lessen my talk
then people think I am so cool and so arrogant that I don't even talk or smile


Don' you think it is so damn weird that I am smiling but nothing?
Psycho~


Then people will say I am not friendly, I am so arrogant that I think they are cheap...and a bunch of weird comment and weird personality is added to me.


When I talk, people comment again, I am too noisy, I am so playful, I am not doing the right thing, I am not serious, I am childish, I am keep showing off my stuffs, I am acting that I am clever......................


Look, there are 7 billion Human beings in the world, I can not make everyone likes me. 


I know that I am bad temper in sometimes,
I know that I am too serious in sometimes,
I know that I am too noisy sometimes,
I know that I Hate to be a loser that I will defend myself until the end and two people relationship broke up,
I know that I Like to act that I know a lot of things,
I know that I am not clever enough,
I know that I am so childish that I am writing all this in my blogger,
I know that I am so useless in sometimes,

I know that I am not a good friend,

I know that I am big liar,

I know that I like to act a lot,

I know that I am girlish,

I know that I am a troublemaker rather than a solver,

I know that I am a negative thinker,

I know that I am irresponsible enough,

I know that I got a lots of bad habits more......

But, 

Am I really treat you guys that bad? 

Am I really childish that I doesn't work hard sometimes?

Am I really just look conceited and so call arrogant?

Am I really throwing bad temper to anyone without any proper reason?

Am I really that noisy?

Am I really that Cool?

Am I really emotional?

Am I really irresponsible when i really did something wrong?

Am I really that bad? 

People, until you read this paragraph 

in your mind there are only few thoughts.

"Sorry, I don't really know you much..we just know each other online and bla bla bla bla bla"

"Since you know that you are so BAD, why don't you change yourselves?"

"Are you trying to defend yourselves again?"

"Stop acting...you are not good enough for this"

"I'm sorry that my comment on you makes you felt so unhappy..I will not give u any bad comments anymore"

"I wish you are okie now"

"Don't think too much, everything will be just fine"

I am not trying to get anyone to come and console or comfort me. I don't need so. 

Just that, I am tired of being like this. I don't dare to show out what I'm really thinking.

I can't really tell out that I am NOT happy, I am Angry, I am Sad, I am happy...

What is the purpose of telling people your feeling that NO ONE is like going to care about you?

I am not talking in rage but this is so true. 

I know what kind of person I am. 

I am trying my best to make things happen right.

I am trying my best to change my bad attitudes.

I am trying my best to make myself polite and nice.

BUT,

Do I ever say that, I am not satisfy with your bad habits?

Any of the friends, did I really blame you if you guys had did something wrong?

Which of the times, I am not there to help you guys when you met problems?

But in other side, who helps me when I face problem? 

Do any of my friends think about this?

I am wondering, Do I really have FRIENDS? 

In the end, I am just a bad guy. 

I am just NOTHING for you....