Nasty life..

几乎每个人写部落格的开头都是 
啊~好久没有回来了~。 = = 
我也一样，好久没回来了。。
哈哈哈 不想写华语，来个英文？ 



greatz, english sounds more easier for me..don't need so many pinyin... 
Well you know, using ipad with pinyin is a hard job...
some more the screen is not really big like a keyboard... 
 There are several things to talk about today... 
Hmmm, where should i start first? Okay, here we are.. 
This is a new semester for me,and my last semester in han chiang i hope..

Recently i am just doing some plan for a few problems.. 
Where should i continue my degree courses and what should i study.. 
Can i really manage to do it? 
Where am i going to stay after my diploma? 
Transportation? 
Arghh..


i dunoooo This semester i am going to make another event for my final year project again.. 
An international day..hmmm...
I wonder what can i do huh, i don't really want to be so busy body in keep helping them 
since Jenny keep mantion they are so so so so so professional.. 
 This semester i had change my job again and again.. 
the first stupid job is a waiter in KXPITAN... 
ust that the boss cheat me on my salary, i am not happy with it.. 
So, byeeee... 


Next is MXXT FRXSH in Gurney.. 
This is a job which makes me feel depressed and stressed while working with those people so call colleagues.. 
What had happened? 
 I juat don't really want to mention it again... 
 Lifes become more and more tough.. 
I am left by some of the people which i thought we are friends.. 


Frankly, everyone got their defect part but it is just whether you as a friends can accept it or not.. In the end, they chose to fight with it.. 
Greatz, i am lazy to argue with them... 
Just leave it and i am okie with being alone... 

New friends? With their naive thinking and childish act, I can't really accept them..
o, i don't think these people will be a long term friends...
maybe just a period of time and i shall say bye bye to them ... 

Few days ago, i have a talk with a firends, which is an uncle..
haha He knew my problem, and he told me a lots of new things... 
I learnt something from him.. 
And after this talk, i just realize my problem all the time.. 

i hate to be alone, but just remember one thing, i won't biw down myself and entertain you like a clown.. 
I am also human, and i am really kind of stingy person... 
Kidding joking is okie but don't you ever cross over my limit.. 

Just felt a little bit of helpless these day.. 
Every things become more and more nasty... 
I would just cross my finger and wish for happiness..

I am Just Nothing

I think this holiday is the most Busiest Holiday ever for me.*chuckles


I went to Kuala Lumpur twice and I met a lots of new friends. 

The second time I went to the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta in Putrajaya.

The First time I went to Maison the Club and have fun with a lots of friends.

This was the greatest time ever in a Club for me. haha..


Honestly, I got thousand words to blast out now but I don't know which one comes first.


I am not really happy with the KL trip, this is the first one. 


I can only use a word to describe the moment. Insidious? or Shallow?


What ever. Just something bad about people.


Since I don't really share my Happiness here, so what I shared here probably is bad news and bad things. (which I think It is .)


Actually, Life can not be Easy. In my life, it is full of disputes, rumors, gossip, quarrel and so on so fort. 


I admit that, I do care what people looks on me. I knew that I am not good enough (maybe I am not even GOOD? who Knows..* sigh)


Sometimes...*sigh.... Its okay, I don't want to explain again, for my last explanation, people thought it was just I am defending myself and I can not accept comment. So, no more explanation.


Hey people, I am not who ever. Even I am, I am not going to be just perfect. I am not mentioning someone or something. But after the KL trip, I just found out that, I always give bad Impression to people, no matter who no matter when and no matter what.


Well, I am just bad guy. I am not good looking, I am so conceited that I think I am so cool, bad temper, i am emotional, I am so stupid that I make my friends hates me... bla bla bla* (and hundreds more, i mean , my bad~)


I am not angry and I am not blaming anyone.(because if i want to do so, almost everyone is blamed by me XD)


So, do I need to act? Act like someone perfect so that people likes me? 


I just don't get it. People LOVES those who acts a lots. Again, I am not mentioning anyone but if u think that I am talking about you, that is your problem, Mr/Ms Actor/Actress. 


(Am I over again? OMG, not again, I am talking about someone BAD again, I just can not stop myself, that is why people hates me)


I do agree that, try to change my bad things into good one and make people accept you. In fact, I am doing my best to do so. (Stop thinking i am defending, I am not~XD)


I just remember that one of the friends say this


"Psycho people they wont express their feeling and their next move easily."


So, when I am angry I need to pretend like OMG I am so Happy that you scolded me with no reason at all?


or I need to pretend like I am just Kind and Nice that I wont angry about you even you are talking my bad just right behind me or just right in front of me?

I do believes that people have their limit that cause Eruption~ For me, I had changed a lot.


I am no longer the Fierce stupid Cat that throw bad temper to the surrounding person.


In fact, I am a person who scares of bad comment on me. It is like I study well and prepare well and I still Fail in my examinations.


That kind of feeling, can you feel the same thing I felt?


I pretend like I am nothing after i receive bad comments but in fact, I will think again and again what had i done wrongly that I will receive bad comments. In the next time, I will not do the same thing again.

Sounds pretty good huh? But in reality, normally there are NO second chance if you had did something wrong. People will just think that, this guy is Acting a lot, since last time he did so many bad things. Is that right? 


People think I talk too much, I shall just be quiet and lessen my talk
then people think I am so cool and so arrogant that I don't even talk or smile


Don' you think it is so damn weird that I am smiling but nothing?
Psycho~


Then people will say I am not friendly, I am so arrogant that I think they are cheap...and a bunch of weird comment and weird personality is added to me.


When I talk, people comment again, I am too noisy, I am so playful, I am not doing the right thing, I am not serious, I am childish, I am keep showing off my stuffs, I am acting that I am clever......................


Look, there are 7 billion Human beings in the world, I can not make everyone likes me. 


I know that I am bad temper in sometimes,
I know that I am too serious in sometimes,
I know that I am too noisy sometimes,
I know that I Hate to be a loser that I will defend myself until the end and two people relationship broke up,
I know that I Like to act that I know a lot of things,
I know that I am not clever enough,
I know that I am so childish that I am writing all this in my blogger,
I know that I am so useless in sometimes,

I know that I am not a good friend,

I know that I am big liar,

I know that I like to act a lot,

I know that I am girlish,

I know that I am a troublemaker rather than a solver,

I know that I am a negative thinker,

I know that I am irresponsible enough,

I know that I got a lots of bad habits more......

But, 

Am I really treat you guys that bad? 

Am I really childish that I doesn't work hard sometimes?

Am I really just look conceited and so call arrogant?

Am I really throwing bad temper to anyone without any proper reason?

Am I really that noisy?

Am I really that Cool?

Am I really emotional?

Am I really irresponsible when i really did something wrong?

Am I really that bad? 

People, until you read this paragraph 

in your mind there are only few thoughts.

"Sorry, I don't really know you much..we just know each other online and bla bla bla bla bla"

"Since you know that you are so BAD, why don't you change yourselves?"

"Are you trying to defend yourselves again?"

"Stop acting...you are not good enough for this"

"I'm sorry that my comment on you makes you felt so unhappy..I will not give u any bad comments anymore"

"I wish you are okie now"

"Don't think too much, everything will be just fine"

I am not trying to get anyone to come and console or comfort me. I don't need so. 

Just that, I am tired of being like this. I don't dare to show out what I'm really thinking.

I can't really tell out that I am NOT happy, I am Angry, I am Sad, I am happy...

What is the purpose of telling people your feeling that NO ONE is like going to care about you?

I am not talking in rage but this is so true. 

I know what kind of person I am. 

I am trying my best to make things happen right.

I am trying my best to change my bad attitudes.

I am trying my best to make myself polite and nice.

BUT,

Do I ever say that, I am not satisfy with your bad habits?

Any of the friends, did I really blame you if you guys had did something wrong?

Which of the times, I am not there to help you guys when you met problems?

But in other side, who helps me when I face problem? 

Do any of my friends think about this?

I am wondering, Do I really have FRIENDS? 

In the end, I am just a bad guy. 

I am just NOTHING for you....

Forgotten, Left Out?

It has been a long time for me to be appearing here to update my dusted blogger. *chuckles
great, another issue here for me to blog. Since there is no one I can talk to, so I am back to my blogger. ^ ^

I tried putting this to the side for the past few days or so, but I'm tired of feeling forgotten and ignored. 
Like, I'm tired of always making the initiative to hangout, make arrangements and decisions for everyone. 
I would like for ONCE for people to invite me out, I'm seriously getting sick of helping people, looking out for people, inviting people, contacting people but then I get no contact, no invite, no nothing sometimes. 
Okay, you see, I know everyone is going to say I'm needy but its not entirely the case. 
The problem I have is that almost all my friends say 
"You're an awesome friend"
"Thanks Mao, you're the best, I owe you one",
"You're a true friend"
"I wish more friends were like you"
"You're the bomb" and I tend to get a lot of praise from my friends and all. That feels great when I'm told I'm loved and appreciated and told that I'm a great person and I take it all in and keep myself grounded. 
My friends will talk to me about anything when they're in the dumps, I'll lift their spirits, take them out, let them ramble to me, hook them up, I'll be just an overall good person, what a friend is supposed to be.

Of course, I don't expect my friends to contact me every second of the second or even day of the day, I know everyone has their own life and busy with their "stuff". 
Its annoying however, sometimes HIGHLY annoying when I contact a friend of mine, and I'll never hear back from them unless I contact them AGAIN sometimes. 


What ticks me off even more is how I'll invite a lot of my friends out but they won't invite me to hangout when I ALWAYS invite them. 
Like, they'll tell me like its nothing "Oh yeah, just now someone ask for supper/order and I just followed them. Not my fault at all. " knowing whatever they're doing is something that I highly enjoy and then proceed to tell me "I should have joined". 


Its like, if you want me to join, why didn't you ask me? Am I really located that far that it is so damn hard to let u to inform me that you guys are going to order something or going to some other places?

I don't know what ass backwards world I live in sometimes, I really don't. Like this really pisses me off and then if I bring it up to them, I'll probably come off as needy.  


This just pulls my hair out, seriously. I never get on my friends cases, never bother them about wanting their company, or needing their attention but it'll be nice if my friends would consider me sometimes when hanging out.

I know for a fact I'm easy going and probably the most fun person. Sometimes they'll hangout with their group of friends with someone their annoyed with but won't invite me out.  


I hate inviting myself to hang sometimes, even if they don't mind but I just feel intrusive when I do that. I don't think anyone likes to invite themselves anywhere.


Now, listen, I'm not saying that I need to be invited to every event, hangout or whatever. What I hate is what I just stated and I don't get it. Sometimes no one will call me for the longest time unless I go no contact. "  


Its like I have to seriously go NO CONTACT in order for people to contact me and give-a-damn. Which I don't like to do.  I don't know, I'm just trying to find out what is it that I may be doing wrong, or how I can get people to think of me more often. It's just nuts to me sometimes.

Whatever, just to blast out everything here while others are taking their dinner happily and joyfully and I am now alone sitting in the air conditioning room with my mineral water. 


Cheers and have a great day. 

Great night turns Nightmare

If everything goes with plan, it should be a happy day without hesitating anything.

No worry at all.

No one can expect the great night turned into a nightmare for me.

Worst Nightmare ever.

I had never been slap without reason by someone before, NO even my parents or my partner.

To prepare the stupid Birthday celebration party, I travel here and there like crazy.

Even Yueteng asked me whether I am a bit over that may make other people felt jealousy.

We went to Gurney to look for a proper present and We planned to purchase something you may like and need so.

Sadly, it is too costly and we can not afford to buy one. Finally just decide to just have a party for celebration enough.

After planning, after birthday cake order, after seat reservation, after every necessary thing was well prepared,  no one knows this is the start of the nightmare.

I am very sure I am not the one who will be drunk in the end of the party, and I am the one who need to take responsibility to take care of everyone. To make sure no one create any problem, no one fainted, no one like this no one like that but DO ANYONE UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION???? All you know is only 

Drink Drink Drank Drank and Drunk!!! 

"Order, One more Bucket!" 

"Not enough, One more Bucket, I pay!"

Of course, Its crazy, and everyone enjoy about it. This is the only thing that I am regret for.

I should not waste such time to do such thing and act like a FOOL!

While people happy, enjoy drink, drank, drunk. 

They started to lose control, and started to become frustrated and VIOLENCE. 

And that was GREAT and AWESOME! 

Ah Cia brother's Car Windshield Glasses broken with just two little punches. 

Who caused that? 

The Birthday Boy 

Who to blame? 

Only him? 

Can we just act like non of our business and  ask him to compensate every single money? 

Can he really afford the money? 

What can I do?

How am I going to face Ah Cia in the future?

Did I made a wrong choice?

I don't know.

What I know is, to prepare this stupid celebration,
I spent time on traveling place to place, Birthday present choosing, birthday card designing, calling for booking, birthday cake order.

In the end, I am the one who get BEAT and SLAP without a proper reason!

Great! 

In the end, I am the one who spent all the time and energy yet just to fail my EXAM!!

IS IT YOUR FAULT?

WHO SHOULD I BLAME?

CAN I KILL SOMEONE TO RELEASE MY TENSION?
OR 

CAN I LOOK FOR SOMEONE TO THROW ON MY TEMPER?

What Can I Do?

Just to overcome such nightmare?

I am tired.

Of everything.

Keep Quiet....

I should just Keep Quiet When NO one ask me to speak or voice out my opinion..

No one is going to care about what had you say.

People will only think that you are Noisy and blasting nonsense..

So SHUT UP! 

Just that, its another night, with tears, alone.

Seems like it is true, I will only share out and shout out what ever negative feelings in my blogs. Poor little Bloggy~

Sigh, after one week short semester break, its time for me to start my study again. (Although I don’t have extra time on doing other things than assignment during the semester break.)

What happened? I don’t think it is possible to spread out what I think here due to the privacy. Who knows? Maybe the one I am talking or criticizing is the one who reading my blog, which is YOU!

I don’t know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. To own an ability to knows and investigate more. Sometimes when we know something other people do not know, as human nature, people will felt happy and excited. But, the only problem is that, when you realize you CANNOT share out the things that you know, its like kind of a TORTURE.OMG~ @.@

It is time to restrain myself on being too busybody. We do not need treat everyone GOOD since not everyone deserve to have it. Some people don’t really appreciate it and will only step a foot on your Kindness. How silly you are to waste your time and energy on someone who is not appreciating your Kindness. I wonder why am I being so busybody and more panic when that particular person does not feel anything at all.

It is sad to say that, I just can not control myself for being so busybody. Haha.

Maybe it is true to say that, I am the only one who does not own any qualification to Fall in love to someone. People will only despise on you, laughing at your ignorantly thinking. Kinds of Immature, who will truly 100%, accept someone who is ABNORMAL as me. I am too innocent and my thinking is too childish. No one, will ever understand me; No one, will ever accept me; No one, will ever be here when I need so: and No one, will ever place their true heart on me. 

As expected, I should not trust anyone. I wonder where is the old version Pang Xin Jie, who is over-defending himself. I wish I could change back to that version, but too bad, once updated, it is kind of an impossible to change back without 200% willpower.

Just make sure don’t stress everything so much~ Just make everything easy~

Just that I am lying.

And Just that,

its another night,

with tears, alone.

不是我不爱了 而是 我失去了一个东西 叫做"勇气"

我没有过很浪漫的爱情故事，而且，心里的空房，已经很久都没有租客了。

我想，暂时都不会有人想要进来吧？

很多人都想像童话故事里面的公主和王子般幸福快乐的生活着。

童话故事里，幸福美满的生活，其实是存在的，只不过很不巧的，没有发生在我身上。

幸福的背后，或许有着暗地偷偷喜欢着公主或王子的人，常常幻想着可以跟他/她在一起，幸福的生活。

爱幻想，未必是件坏事，但是，往往幻想只是一个让梦想破灭的时候，增加痛楚的过程。

或许我就是这么一个小人物，偷偷的喜欢，明知道没结果，还要去幻想。

非得要到真的跌倒了，才会流泪，才会心伤。

的确，有人说，“只要他/她高兴，我都可以。” 

说得出这一句话的人，的确，你很伟大，但是太失败了。

连自己的幸福都可以白白送给人家，我只能说，你很傻。

或许会有人不认同但是，我不需要你来认同我。

爱一个人，是不是只要他/她高兴就好？

我只能说，傻瓜，如果他/她不爱你，就算你做得再好，他/她都不会高兴。

有时候，我也曾幻想，做一个恶魔，破坏所有，不顾一切，只为得到他/她。

但是，当我看到他/她伤心流泪的那一刻，我的心，好酸。

当下我只想抱着他/她，好好的安慰他/她。

此时此刻，我的心，已经累了。

我不再渴望爱情，不再渴望得到你的一切，不再渴望有那么一个真心的人,来好好对我。

因为明知道没结果，我才会要悬崖勒马，及时把自己救出来；

因为明知道没结果，我才会开始离你一段距离；

因为明知道没结果，我才会决定把那份感情收起来，直到，童话故事的结尾。

我不知道，何时我又会喜欢上其他人，但是我相信，短时间内是不会的了。

不是我不爱了，而是，

我失去了一个东西，

叫做"勇气"